今天和同事說起我小時侯的事, 他們覺得很不可思議! 他們更不明白為什麼我要供我的妹妹念書. 他們全都鼓勵我不要供我妹妹念書, 因為不是我的責任 (看, 他們多邪惡!). 我只是無奈地一笑, 因為誰叫我是老大呢?!
從我有記憶以來, 我就知道我要做一個乖乖女, 要努力讀書和照顧弟妹. 我的童年就只有功課和功課. 除了念書和偶然看看電視之外, 我就什麼也不可以做. 自小爸媽很忙, 就把我寄養在外婆家, 他們會一個星期來看我一次. 其實, 我的童年很寂寞, 很黑白. 有時候看到弟弟妹妹可以和爸爸媽媽一起, 書唸不好不會被人打, 可以隨便做他們喜歡做的事, 我便很妒忌. 從小, 我就要學會很獨立, 凡事都靠自己, 不奢望有人可以被我依靠, 還很會收藏自己的感情. (哈哈, 很多人被我騙了!)
我記得我小時侯很少看醫生. 這並不是我小時侯很健康, 而是從來沒有人理會我. 就算有事, 也只能吃弟弟妹妹剩下來的藥. 記得還在唸小學的時候, 有一次發燒, 不知是多少度, 只記得很熱很熱, 那時手腳已經開始抽筋, 整個人已經模模糊糊, 但我只是被爸媽丟在床上自生自滅 (哈哈, 其實死不了也算命大!). 後來被好心的爸爸餵了一匙咳藥水, 不知怎麼就好了 (很偉大的咳藥水耶, 可惜忘了是什麼牌子!). 長大後有一次在街上暈倒, 被媽媽一句, “她只是扮野, 不要理她” 而給丟下了. 幸好好心的弟弟跑回來 “撿” 我回家才不至被遺棄.
有時候我真不明白為什麼在中國人的社會裡, 在家中排行最大的永遠要負擔起所有責任. 彷彿老大一出生就注定要行規道舉, 不可有半點行差踏錯. 而且還要負起供養和照顧全家人的責任. 最後全家人只會覺得你對他們的好是應份.
由我讀大學時開始, 我爸媽和弟弟已經算著我花了家裡多少錢. 畢業後要怎樣怎樣還. 有一個學期因為我全拿了distance的科目而搬回家裡住, 就被爸媽和弟弟說我白佔家裡的便宜, 要我給家用 (那時我白天都在爸爸的公司上班, 沒薪水.). 最後我受不了他們的冷言冷語而搬出來自己生活. 雖然現在爸爸媽媽整天要我搬回家中住, 但我也拒絕了. 因為我還記過那段以淚洗面的日子. 又因為妹妹們都很漂亮, 弟弟念書也很棒. 相比之下我更加不如. 我也曾經試過被弟弟妹妹嫌棄, 因為他們說我老土和醜樣而拒絕和我一起上街. 爸爸媽媽也說我胖和醜樣而不想帶我去和他們的朋友吃飯. 那種被家人遺棄的感覺, 很難受.
後來畢業正式出來工作, 家裡的人就開始算我應該怎麼歸還我以前用掉的錢. 而媽媽也整天跟我兩個妹妹說不用用功念書. 因為姐姐會供你們到外國唸書, 這是她欠這個家的. 而弟弟又說姐姐會賺錢, 房子貸款應該要她還, 這也是她欠這個家的. 有時候我被他們的要求壓得喘不過氣來, 但是, 他們對於我的付出從來不曾有半點欣賞, 只會嫌我做得不夠好, 不夠多.
話說回來, 為什麼這篇文章的題目是 “志雲飯局” 呢? 因為這四個字就像魔法, 每個人一去到志雲飯局就會把心底最秘密的事說出來. 那麼, 也讓我在這裡借這四個字舒發一下心中的鬱悶. 講出來, 把眼淚擦一擦, 彷彿魔法般, 我又可以變回那個開朗樂觀的我! (哈哈, 看完這篇文章的你, 不如也跟我 “志雲飯局” 一番吧!)
Your brother... the one who went to our "neighbour school" then got into HKU right? And your parents... I am just glad that I only have brothers, not sister (so it's less competitive). Plus I am much older than they are so we are rather close (isn't it ironic?!). I am even more thankful that my family provided me with a solid Christian background... people aren't perfect and there were times I was just so disappointed, but I know at the end I will always have Jesus who never fails. When we have faith, we always have hope.
ReplyDeleteWell, I am sure everyone has a "darker side" of their life. There was a period of time I was just really down and felt hopeless... it is so true that some "typical Chinese parents" never understanding what parenting is all about... so pathetic. And remember how we used to be picked on at TMCC orchestra? Those guys... I wonder if they ever found themselves extremely immature and the kind of "bullying" they did was so very unintelligent. I was so glad that I always had you on my side. When I think about the time we spent together, I can't help smiling. I hope you do too.
Always love you
thx ar Mag Mag......so touch la....consider you are the only one here leave me message
ReplyDeleteOf course I still remember our days in the orchestra. haha....actually I must confest I can't play flute at all.....I lied! But you know, pretty girls like us are hard to be friend with "those guys" -- coz they are envy on us all the time ma... but think lucky we have each other all the time. so when will you come and visit me ar? Do you remember we have a promise that we will play music one day again at everyMTR and train stations and earn money as our future career?? hehe.....really looking forward!